Silent Apologies
by forever.your.love
Summary: She felt bad. She wanted to stop, but she just...couldn't. No matter how hard she tried, it felt like a part of her was being ripped away, and it kind of was. Rated T for cutting, self-abuse, angst; OOC Rachel. Eventual Apollo/Rachel
1. Chapter 1

Everyone thought she was happy. _Lies_. Everyone saw her as a bright and bubbly artist, but that was far from the truth_._ She was the red-haired light that everyone saw when they were going through distress. And that hurt. Because _they were all lies_. Because Rachel's innocent and bright facade was to hide all the fear and depression and hurt and stress and _everything horrible_ that she really felt.

She'd gotten better at that, though. Lying, decieving-whatever you want to call it. Heck, even Apollo, her patron god-the God of freaking _Truth!_- couldn't tell wether or not something was wrong with her! Because that's how good she'd gotten at it. They were all blinded by their own joy, their own happiness-something she couldn't have- and they smothered her in it. So much that her own pain seemed like a distant dream. But just as fast as it left-it came back.

Sometimes the joy couldn't come fast enough, and the pain would get overwhelming. When it got too much, she handled it the only way she could. And that was when the blood started dripping.


	2. Chapter 2

Rachel started wearing long sleeved shirts. No one asked her about it, and no one cared. They were too wrapped in celebrating their victory in the war and repairing Olympus that they didn't seem to notice. But she was fine with that. The only time people went to her was when a quest was to be issued, and that wasn't often. But once in a while, Apollo would visit her. Sometimes he'd show himself, and sometimes he didn't. She didn't care, or bother to notice. To Apollo, though, his visits meant a _lot_ more than he showed.

Even so, she stayed at camp every summer. It _was_ her duty, and she was fine with that. There was something about Greek quests and myths that gave her a thrill, and she _loved_ it. But it was impossible for a mortal to go on quests, so she usually stayed locked up in the attic in the Big House, mostly brooding, and doing..._other_ things.

But one day, she decided to take a walk along the beach. It was almost sundown, but the sun was still shining bright. Apollo was in a good mood then. _Lucky for him_, she thought. Rachel saw Annabeth and Percy sitting next to each other in the sand, holding hands. She was about to walk up to them, but then they leaned towards each other...closer...and closer...then kissed. Which caused her heart to wrench painfully. And as if that wasn't enough, she heard them whisper softly over the waves, three words that shattered her heart. Three simple words that did so much to cause a pang of envy stab her in the chest. _I. LOVE. YOU._ And then she took a few quiet steps back to ensure that none of them heard her, and ran away.

Because love was the one thing Rachel E. Dare was forbidden to have. And her two best friends unkowingly decided to shove that fact in her face.

She ended up in the woods some time later, sitting down, leaning back against a tree. The pain against her chest got worse, and she felt as if she were suffocating. _Why_ did she have to be so, so...UGH! Rachel was completely disgusted with herself. Because she was just a fake, ruined, emo mortal that hid behind happiness and laughter. She didn't deserve love. The more she thought about it, the more the pressure on her heart got worse. _Make it stop!_ she screamed to herself, and she did, taking out the silver pocketknife Apollo had given her for protection. Not that she wanted it, but it was useful all the same.

She stood up, and headed toward the Big House. IN some matter of time she ended up in the attic, clothes torn and bleeding. Chiron asked her what was wrong when she walked past, tears in her eyes, but she didn't say anything, so he decided to give her some 'brooding time,' whatever that meant. When she climbed up the ladder, for some odd reason, he didn't notice the scars on her arms showing through her torn sleeves. He didn't notice the small rivulets of blood running down her wrists. And of all things, he _did not_ notice the glinting silver blade she held in her hand as she climbed up the ladder.

Because there was no way-_no way_- in Hades' that Rachel Elizabeth Dare was capable of handling such weapons, right?

Right.

* * *

><p>That night Apollo visited her, collapsed in a shivering heap on her bed, fast asleep. Her scarred arms were hidden underneath the blanket, and her hair was matted with sweat.<p>

"Αυτό που επέρχεται, πολύτιμα μαντείο μου?" He whispered, worry glinting in his features. He lightly caressed his fingers against her face, effectively calming her using his powers. She sighed in her sleep. He would've stayed to watch her sleep, but decided against it, not wanting to seem like some creepy stalker. There was _so much_ he wanted to tell her, to say to her, but that would go against the rules that he _himself_had made. Changing them wasn't impossible, but would serve to be an insult to his person.

Apollo stood up quietly from the bed, not wanting to wake Rachel up. He wasn't stupid, he felt her hurt and depression earlier on, but he was on a hunt with Artemis, so he couldn't come spy-er, _visit_ her. For him, her depression that day was a first, (She was usually so happy!) but he figured it'd be gone by morning. That was just how mortals were, having agressive mood swings-like Hera!

Shaking his head, he took one last mournful look at Rachel before whispering, "Stay safe." Then he flashed away, leaving a soft scent of nature and the sun behind.

Even with the special Oracle bond he had with Rachel, Apollo was still just as blind as the others.


End file.
